Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar Revealed to Be a Blunder
By Erin Song
It’s finally happened, folks. After 23 years of Internet memes and relentless insults to his acting ability, almost-award-winning actor Leonardo DiCaprio has finally earned the coveted title of Oscar-recipient. Temporarily, at least.
For the span of a whole month, the entire nation celebrated what seemed to be the farewell to DiCaprio’s painful suffering. However, presenter for the 2016 Academy Award for Best Actor Julianne Moore has revealed that DiCaprio will unfortunately have to wait for his moment of glory another time. The Academy Award presenter has admitted to accidentally saying the wrong name when announcing the recipient of the title of Best Actor. “The award was actually supposed to go to Michael Fassbender for his accurate portrayal of benevolent philanthropist Steve Jobs in his biographical movie titled Samsung Co.,” Moore said. “But I felt really bad for Leo though, so I didn’t have the heart to correct my mistake.”
Several celebrities have defended Moore’s error, saying that mistakes happen. Others, however, have not been as sympathetic. Said American comedian and television host Steve Harvey, “What kind of person would be trusted to announce the winners of one of the biggest events in media and say announce the wrong person as the winner? I mean, who does that? Can’t people read?”
DiCaprio’s publicist has announced that the actor will be taking a hiatus from acting in order to embark on a journey of self-discovery. Leo’s intended voyage currently consists of dueling grizzly bears, dying of hypothermia for a girl he has known for two days, destroying every green light in the city of New York (or at least East Egg), and dominating Wall Street with an iron (and Oscar-less) fist.
To consolidate Leo’s loss, Cupertino High School has offered DiCaprio its own 2016-2017 ASB Executive President Oscar Li to be shipped to the disgraced actor, who was rumored to have been last seen on the bow of a ship sobbing, “I’ll never let go!” while clutching his beloved Oscar. Experts speculate that Leo’s escapades are a ploy to receive the award for best documentary at the next Oscar awards.
In the meantime, bring back the memes, ladies and gentlemen. Leo’s heart may go on, and so may his losing streak.