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Pneumonia Found Hillary Clinton "Cold and aloof"

By Peter Martin

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In a press statement released earlier today, pneumonia, an infectious inflammatory disease of the lung, described Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton as “Cold and aloof.”

    “I found Clinton to be both calculating and unemotional,” stated pneumonia, which symptoms include chest pain, raised temperature, and dry coughing. “It was difficult to connect with her both as a representative and as a host body.”

    The democratic nominee has taken criticism for being too cool or distant throughout her campaign, a view that pneumonia shares.

    Said pneumonia, “She lacks the personality and empathy I look for in political leaders and organisms which harbor parasitic life. Her smile never feels genuine, her upper respiratory tract was unaccommodating, she feels cold.”

    This bacterial or viral infection of the lungs, which affects 450 million people worldwide, expressed its concern over how this perception of Clinton may affect her campaign.

    “Even from within the cells lining the airways of her lungs I struggled to connect with Clinton. She always seems so forced and artificial. Her speeches always come across as very shrill, and her lung parenchyma felt very distant and apathetic.”

    Pneumonia has not officially endorsed a candidate for president, but has expressed approval of Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson.

    “As a parasite that feeds off of others, I feel that Johnson really represents my views.”